Things I am learning: People tell me that when a person is grieving they are not themselves - they are a bit looney. That's not right for me - I am a lot looney a good bit of the time. Now I could be more myself if sudden feelings of sadness and grief did not slip up on me and slap me upside my head. Like the other day at the dentist when sedated on Nitrous Oxide I roused up to feel tears flooding my checks and the assistant brushing them off. That's how it is - you cry without warning and without giving that water permission to run.

Filling out forms to change your status from wife to widow is hard. Its not just a form its a declaration. And if you have done it at the doctor's office it's saying right there - I am in charge of me. I am the responsible party.

When you are on your own and beginning to figure out how much money you need to run your house - every thing will break down - from the water heater to the washing machine to the toilets. There must be rule somewhere - go ahead mess with her.

Keep saying to yourself over and over - "I am the boss of me." because everyone you talk to will have some ideas about what you should be doing and have nothing to say about how well you are doing anything - even sweeping up in the kitchen.

Thank God every day for good friends who understand that you aren't yourself right now - and you hope to be back soon.


Anonymous said...

You ARE the boss of you, but also wise enough to reach out for friends. No one says we have to do it all alone. Love and hugs to you!!

My realtor recommends buying those warrantees when selling a home; he says that houses go through shock with a new owner. Now you make me wonder if houses also feel the absence and have their own period of mourning.

** on a lighter note, I once told my dentist, as he was debating treatment options, "When it comes to my teeth, you ARE the boss of me." The hygienist cracked up.

Granny Sue said...

Sometimes I think we are more ourselves when we're grieving--we are, for once, deeply aware of how we feel and what we think. We may be more honest than usual and that might be what people think is "loony." The other part is that small things that would be no issue in happier days loom large and insurmountable.

The house things--I remember my daughter-in-law having to deal with things like that and how it seemed so unfair that such things should happen then, when she was least able to cope with them.

Your honest writing is straight to the heart, Ellouise. You soldier on, even though This sharing of your learning and thinking is a gift, one that is most difficult to give and most gratefully received.

Divalicias said...

Oy. Been there, done all that. The mystery tears are called "grief bursts" and they do come at strange times. The breaking household things, yes indeed. I was scared about not being able to do all the things that I'd outsourced to hubby-land, and a friend assured me. "You'll learn new skills," he said. That stayed with me every frickin' time I had to learn a g-d new skill. After eight years, I look back at all the new skills I've mastered and feel more competent. Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself to fun things. Balance. Love to you, dear Ellouise!

Jessica said...

Beautiful post, Ellouise. I think the important thing to remember is that all those people telling you what to do, as misguided as they might be, are doing so because they love you and care. And how could anyone not love you? Hope to see you again soon.