Just saying

 These days I am absorbed with getting ready for Pushing Boundaries for the DC Capital Fringe. My first show is 4 days away on Saturday July 14 - my birthday.

If you read my Facebook postings you already know all about this as I post about it incessantly as part of the marketing to fill seats -

But there is no denying the elephant in the middle of the room. This is the first major storytelling event for me where Jim will not be there. To tell you the truth - I feel differently nervous, not for the story - for me. I am a new widow and that's a very vulnerable person to be. They tell you, warn really,  that in the first year everything is a "first." I can verify these firsts make some days unexpectedly more raw - especially since you can't seem to predict what, how or who with grief.

Today when I went to the Goethe Institut for my tech rehearsal it was comfortable and familiar and  I thought - "this will be fine" until I entered the auditorium.  This is my third time telling stories in that room - always with Jim present to help set things up. It was great to see the same sound guy who has been there for the previous shows - except when I had to tell him Jim was not coming. 

I have not written much about this because 
it is what it is.
it is not going away
Jim is not coming back.
I have to adjust.
but bottom line  - its brutally tough.

The Pushing Boundaries story is in good shape. Its a story I lived as well as wrote and I enjoy telling it.

People ask me, "why are you taking this on 'so soon'"?
What else would I do?
This is my job.
Jim encouraged me to get back to telling stories as soon as I could. He thought storytelling would be a saving grace for me.
I think that as well - or I would not be doing it.

Besides that - look, I don't have time to languish while I "get better".  Saturday I turn 76. 
I want to tell stories now.
Pushing Boundaries is more than a compelling personal story its part of the grassroots history of the 1970s women's movement.  

We all have stories that are a window into the life of our times. Anyone that knows me knows I am somewhat hipped on their importance.

Maybe I am talking about my vulnerability now - to ward it off  - - while I tell the story.

Hope it works.

Thanks for listening.


Miss Dazey said...

Ellouise, I am always here to listen, although I do so wish I could do more than just listen. I think only you could make the decision as to when you want to get back in the public. I would think that since Jim encouraged you to do so it might be easier.


Anonymous said...

Ellouise, I am very proud of you for preparing and performing in the Fringe. Happy Birthday and "On to the Fringe". I love you Kathy

Storyteller Mary said...

Hugs, sweetie. I'll be with you in spirit, and I think Jim will be, too.