A tree from a Christmas "Past".
For days I have been reliving many of the 57 Christmas holidays Jim and I shared. They carried sweet memories and I have cried "buckets."
Last year I fled to California for Christmas to escape having my first Christmas after he died here at home. I learned that you can't escape the feelings but distance does dull them down a bit.
This year I stayed at home. Home is the house Jim and I bought 43 years ago. It is filled with days, hours and minutes that we shared. I dodged having a big tree and opening all the boxes of ornaments. We carefully wrapped and saved our ornaments - our Christmas Tree has been a family album and we shared the tree-trimming giving time to remembering as we unwrapped each item. Always a special evening - with our kids or on our own.
I was okay without a tree but my son surprised me by walking on with a 4' artificial tree with the lights embedded. I still left the old ornaments downstairs. I trimmed it with small silvery "diet coke flip-up openers" and small red artificial apples. Actually it looked quite nice. And, Jimmy was right, I was glad to have it.
The one in the house most over-joyed to have the tree has been my kitten - turned cat. The first two days I guarded the tree because she was determined to have those red apples. They looked just like balls to her. Finally I removed the cat to the downstairs. For several days it was a power- struggle between me and the cat .
Until, I took a nap Christmas evening and the cat had a clear run at this green thing she perceived as a giant cat-toy. A loud BAM startled me awake.
CAT WINS!!!!!
So today I am picking up the pieces and putting them away.
I may be using them again next year.
Just like I am picking up the pieces of my life as I move toward a new year - 2014.
There are still some mighty challenges -
December 30 - our Wedding Anniversary - is just 4 days away - This would be our 58th Anniversary,
There is a lot to think about between now and Monday.
But at least I won't be putting up another tree.
1 comment:
My daughter-in-law did the same thing, Ellouise--she fled every single holiday for two years. Then she moved to another house and has been able to stay home but it's still difficult for her. Make plans for your anniversary--go out with a friend, visit family, visit the vets hospital, whatever; just stay busy as long as you can that day, and be with people. Getting through the day should be your goal, and that will be an achievement. I have been doing that on the anniversary of my son's death and on his birthday. I don't consider it running, I consider it managing my grief so it does not overwhelm me. Sending love and so wishing I lived closer to you.
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